


Remembering

by futuresteven (orphan_account)



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Drabble, First Fanfiction on here, Growing Pains, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spoilers for Episode: s05e29-32 Change Your Mind, Steven has PTSD, he remembers his gem being pulled out and more, steven’s star pillow saves the day again, tw mention of vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:14:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23196118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/futuresteven
Summary: After the events of “Growing Pains,” Steven is unable to sleep. Only then was he able to remember everything.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 130





	Remembering

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is the first fanfiction I have decided to post on this website! If you recognize me from Twitter then hi hello!  
> I hope you enjoy this small angsty fic I wrote!
> 
> TWs: panic attacks, ptsd, mention of throw up (although not descriptive at all)

Greg had left hours ago after wishing Steven a good night. Today hadn’t been the best day, seeing as how he was stuck at the hospital, but the hybrid tried to stay optimistic.

It was three in the morning according to his alarm clock. He hadn’t slept well in days, but for some reason everything just seemed to be coming back to him. For all he knew, the resurfacing memories could’ve just been caused by him forcing himself to remember things he had kept buried for so long at the hospital. Steven decided against trying to figure that out right now and instead focused on attempting to at least have some sleep.

He shifted in his bed for what felt like the thousandth time that night. For whatever reason, clearing his thoughts seemed to be nearly impossible. Some memory from his childhood resurfaced every time his mind was almost clear. It started off not so bad at first, he had remembered when Connie first learned how to sword fight, then he remembered how Pearl got poofed.

Everything seemed to get worse from there.

The hybrid shifted in bed once again. More and more memories came back by the second, memories he would rather keep buried in the back of his mind. This includes the time Amethyst almost died, and the time when he stopped the Cluster, then the time where he learned his mom was actually Pink Diamond and that everything he had grown up knowing was only a lie.

The thoughts and memories of everything Pink put him through seemed to set everything off. He remembered the times when he seemingly saw through her eyes, including the strange dream in which Pink Pearl hadn’t been cracked. He remembered when everyone thought he was Pink Diamond during his time spent in Homeworld, and how they thought he was Rose Quartz before that.

His heart began to race and he suddenly felt as if time was beginning to slow down. Heart pounding in his ears, he buried his face in his pillow and tried to block out the sound in his own head. However, when he opened his eyes again all he could see was white.

“Now, starlight, this has gone on long enough,” A familiar voice said. He couldn’t place his finger on who the voice belonged to and tried to move in order to see their face, beginning to squirm when he realized something was preventing him from doing so.

Finally, when he found the strength to do so, he lifted his head. Now he could only see black, although a bright white seemed to be hidden behind the darker colors. He squirmed again, but wasn’t able to move at all this time. Tears fell from his eyes and he suddenly couldn’t breathe.

The black moved closer and closer to the hybrid until it finally reached him. He felt something grab onto his gem and he froze, his heart now pounding faster and louder than before. He couldn’t cover his ears and began to gasp for air. He was able to breathe now, although it still felt  _ wrong.  _ It almost felt like his lungs were going too fast and he couldn’t keep up with their pace.

“ ...It’s time to come out, Pink,” The familiar voice said once again. This time, he _could_ make out even more black moving behind the dark spots blocking his vision from the light. Tears continued to fall and his head felt heavy. Was he going to die like this? 

These thoughts were interrupted when he felt a tugging motion on his gem. He gasped for air once again, the pounding of his heart getting so loud that he was barely able to hear another voice call out to him, screaming.

The tugging continued and he struggled to breathe. He felt so nauseous yet so numb at the same time. Why was he so dizzy? He had to calm down, who knows what would happen if he fainted?

Eventually, he stopped feeling… complete. The black pulled back and was holding onto something small and pink. His throat tightened when he realized that was Pink Diamond’s— no,  _ his  _ gem.

Everything faded to black. It felt like mere seconds later when he awoke again in Connie’s arms, calling and reaching out to someone he couldn’t see. He felt as though he was in someone else’s body and had no control over it. The hybrid eventually caught sight of what he was reaching out to— his gem half. When his dark eyes met the other’s pink ones, everything faded into nothingness once again.

When he awoke again, he was trembling and crying. He hadn't realized it until seconds later, but he screamed out something. His settings seemed to be a blur, although he recognized some memories that were more visible to him.

These memories included, but were not limited to: the time he was leaning on the rock nearly dead after shapeshifting, the first time he had ever seen a forced gem fusion, the time when Garnet had nearly died, the time when he sat in front of his mother’s mirror and looked through pictures she had apparently drawn, and, most recently, the time he hung over Beach City, staring into Spinel’s eyes.

The fuchsia gem snickered and dropped him and, this time, no one saved him. He was falling yet he couldn’t seem to move still, preventing him from using his floating abilities. He couldn’t hear anything besides the drumming of his heart and the pounding in his head. His stomach churned as though he were about to throw up and he opened his mouth, only for Rose Quartz’s hair to fall out. Steven couldn’t help the tears that blurred his vision once it felt like he had lost full control of himself.

The last thing he saw before he reached the ground was his gem half, standing there and staring up at him. He looked different now, and it wasn’t just height wise. Cracks were all over the gem’s form. However, the gem was holding something up, something that he recognized— a yellow, star shaped pillow. The hybrid focused on the pillow, ignoring the way everything around him became distorted.

The surrounding area faded away, all except for the pillow. It was on his night stand now though instead of being held by Pink Steven. Steven reached up and grabbed it, trembling. His chest was tight and he was just now focusing on slowing down his breathing. Hugging the pillow to his chest seemed to help him calm down a little bit.

It took five minutes for him to fully be recovered from his panic attack. He stood up slowly, clutching the pillow close to him and turning the lamp on once he stood up. He was a mess, his clothes clung to his body due to sweat and the last tears in his eyes began to fall. His bed wasn’t in the best state either, seeing as how many areas were wet due to his sweat and tears. Only then did Steven realize that he must have thrown up at some time while ‘away’ and he cringed. Thankfully, he had thrown up on the side of the bed, so he didn’t need to clean it off of his sheets.

The hybrid let out a soft sigh before making his way downstairs to get the needed cleaning supplies from the kitchen. He made sure to bring his star pillow with him, just in case something happened again.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed! I’m going to be posting more at some point as well!


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